I Want to Fall in Love

i think my first relationship really fucked me up in terms of figuring out what i want from an intimate partner. i have a really hard time trusting people. i think i fucked up my second relationship because i was so worried about what went wrong in the first and i think that second relationship fucked me up in terms of understanding what kind of a partner i want to be in any kind of relationship. i worry too much. i have some really weird fantasies. and i can get myself in too deep. and i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing with my life or what the fuck i want. it used to be something that i could close my eyes and picture the ideal thing and it was simple and single-sided. and now, it’s just a big question mark. i want to fall in love. i want to have a really serious relationship. someone that i bring home to meet my family more than once and my cousins know their name and make jokes about them and say to my sisters how much they like them. i want to live with someone and share a bed and not feel weird about it. i want to have all different kinds of sex, in slow-paced safe ways and in fast, scary, thrilling ways. i want to feel comfortable enough with my sexual partner to finally bring my kinks into play in a codified way. (i just used the word codified to talk about my sexual proclivities. oh shit i just used the word proclivities to talk about talking about sex and kink! there’s my liberal arts education at work). i want to support myself through my art and that’s code for money. i want to be able to live off my art. i don’t know where. but i want to travel and i want to find a home. i want to be able to live near my friends. i want to see my family a few times a year and my sisters more often than that. i want to get really really really really strong. i want strong arms. and a stronger heart.