we need to talk about consent.

i want to talk about how my partner and i had nonconsensual sex. our whole fucking relationship started out with a huge fucking nonconsensual kiss that i really didn’t enjoy or know what the fuck to do with but i liked him so i sort of convinced myself that it was okay. even though when it happened it made me feeling fucking slimy and gross and confused. when it was just kissing though, after that, things were pretty okay. i liked the kissing. even if sometimes it was weird or awkward, i liked parts of it a lot. here’s the thing: he used to walk me “home” at the end of the night (which is a really liberal term because the campus we were on was basically the size of an acorn). but he’d walk me back and kiss me goodnight if no one was around and that was okay and then he started asking if he could come in, which felt a lot less okay. i had a roommate but she was really involved with this other guy and had basically moved out of our room to live with him, so i had my room all to myself. and my partner would ask to come in and for a few weeks, i said no. and then one day i said yes and let’s be real with ourselves, i wasn’t ready to and i didn’t want to. that is coercion, incidentally. i probably should have said no. things were like that. he’d come into my room and we’d get in my bed and he’d take off his glasses and we’d make out for ages and then clothes would start coming off. and he led it, every time. i think i took his shirt off? maybe once or twice? somehow his hand would suddenly be under my bra and i’d move it away but i wouldn’t say no and maybe that would happen three times and then i’d just let him and that’s not a yes, is it? everything was like that. my bra. my underwear. i don’t really…i don’t really remember any of it being great, honestly. i liked the kissing. and i eventually figured out ways for him to touch me that i liked but i never communicated about it and i never communicated about the things i didn’t like and i wasn’t sure that i wanted to do parts of it anyway? here’s what i remember especially, the thing that woke me up or refused to let me sleep tonight even though i fucking need it. one night when we were making out for a while - i maybe had my bra off? i don’t really remember – he just said, “i want to show you something” which is such a fucking weird thing to say suddenly, i thought and then he just took his boxers off and his dick was just out and i kind of freaked out? like…suddenly there was just a penis (which i now always say is something that never really improves my day, a sudden penis, and that’s a joke but this really fucking wasn’t) and i wasn’t ready for that and i wasn’t interested, honestly and i remember that i sort of just froze and maybe stopped breathing completely because i sort of don’t remember how things happened after that. i was just kind of laying in bed and looking at my ceiling and i remember he covered my eyes with his hand or my hand, it’s not really clear and suddenly his boxers were back on and he kept saying sorry. and i don’t really remember what else? i don’t remember if he stayed or not. he only stayed in my bed twice that semester, so i don’t really think so. i think it was pretty early then. i think maybe he just got dressed and left? i don’t really know. i just think about that sometimes. how fucking horrible that was. and how, in the realm of sexual traumas, mine is not that bad but it still fucks me up? sometimes i’ll just remember it, like tonight. in a super vivid way. and sometimes, if people are talking about relationships in a certain way it’ll make me really nervous? like if someone is justifying abuse or cheating in certain terms it’ll make me so anxious.

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