learning to make noise.

I was so uncomfortable with my body and sexuality that I dated my high school boyfriend for a year before even letting him kiss me. The first time we kissed was the first time we had sex. I never had an orgasm, but then again, I didn't know I should. Nobody had ever explained that to me - explained that I, as a woman, as a human, deserved pleasure; that I should expect it. It took me four years of being sexually active to have an orgasm with a partner - or at all, since I was still too ashamed and uncomfortable to masturbate. Looking back, I see most of my formative sexual experiences as nonconsensual. I came to associate my sexuality and my body with my assaults, and treated myself with no compassion. However, now almost five years ago, I made a conscious decision when I first met my current partner (after a slew of partners who were at best inconsiderate and at worst abusive), to never be passive in my sexual encounters again. I am a subject, not an object. I ask for things. I make noise. I want. I come.